What a weird feeling to turn 29. Those last few months I really started to think more. Good thing, you’d say. Well, yes and no. Yes, because of course it’s a blessing to be able to think and analyze. But it can become a nightmare when it turns into overthinking, or worse... analysis paralysis.
One thing you don’t know about me is that I’m a Software Engineer, and I’ve been working remotely for about five years now. Working from home has its perks, but for me it also came with three downsides: a sedentary lifestyle, spending way too much time on my computer, and especially this year, loneliness.
This last year a few things happened in my personal life. My grandfather passed away, joining my grandmother who died in 2021. My last working experience was a shit show, and I got let go for speaking up. And last but not least I also had a pretty sad breakup. Very personal, right? Lol. If it feels uncomfortable for you to read this, imagine how I feel writing and sharing it online for the whole world to see.
After the end of my job - effective immediately - and the end of my relationship - effective immediately too (lol) - I felt lonely. Most of my friends don't live in my city anymore and the ones who do are busy with their own life & problems. And I get it. It's just harder now than what it used to be when we only had to think about homeworks, gaming and Pokemon cards.
When you lose your job, your girlfriend, your shape, and realize that your inner circle isn’t around, it feels strange. And sad. I’m not saying I’m actually alone, I have my parents and my lovely sister. There’s also my cousins, aunts, uncles, and my grandmother. But it just feels different from a deep connection over something meaningful, like a common goal or a shared project. Now again, I do have deep connections with some of my friends or family, but it’s just a night here and there throughout the month or year, and I can tell I need something more, something else. I'm missing something.
The quiet hit hard, and like most people, I started to fill it with more screens. Scrolling, watching, refreshing. I didn’t even see it coming. Truth is, it didn’t just start now. It’s been that way for years, but you only really notice it when it gets really bad.
Actually, now that I’m writing this, I’m not even sure that’s fully true. I’ve always spent a lot of time in front of my computer because I genuinely love it. It’s where I build, learn, and create. It doesn’t feel like I’m filling a void. But then again, would I still be in front of my computer that much if I had cooler things to do ? Probably not. Even if I love programming, making music & gaming, maybe some of it is just comfort.
When I speak about comfort, I’m not just talking about having a roof over my head or enough money saved to do nothing for a while. I’m mainly talking about living with continuous exposure to cheap dopamine. The easy stuff. Scrolling, twitter, refreshing, gaming, youtube ... to say the least.
As a result of all those events, feelings, and realizations, the last few months have been filled with a lot of questions. Is this the right choice ? Should I take that job ? Should I move somewhere else ? Should I start a YouTube channel ? And if so, about what ? Should I do this ? Should I do that ?
What I know for sure is that I wouldn’t have all those thoughts if I were in a really tough spot. The reason I’m having them is because I’m in a place of comfort, which allows me to stop and think... too much.
This so-called comfort has lately started to feel like a nightmare. I’ve been feeling anxious. Like, really anxious. It usually shows up as health anxiety, fear of having a disease, a heart problem, or whatever my brain decides to imagine that day. Every little thing happening in my body comes to my mind like a huge red alert sign saying “SOMETHING IS VERY WRONG!!!” Even running started to feel weird and unnatural. I've lately become stressed about everything.
So I went and did the checkups. Scans, blood work, physio, cardiologist. Everything came back fine.
That’s when I realized this is my body, mind, and soul trying to tell me something. They’re trying to help me: “Move the fuck up. Do something. Take action. Create something. You can’t keep living and feeling this way. You gotta do something. Just do it.”
So here I am, moving the fuck up, writing this sort of old-school blog post. Trying to log my journey through what feels like an awakening.
One thing I’ve realized too is that most of us go through something like this, but we just don’t talk about it much. Which makes sense. It feels weird exposing yourself. But truth be told... who cares anyway. It’s not like anyone will remember us in a hundred or a thousand years.
Maybe that’s the point though, to live honestly while we’re still here and to start before it’s too late.
As Marcus Aurelius reminds us in Meditations:
It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live.
Maybe that’s the real fear, reaching the end and realizing you never truly began.
So here’s to beginning.